I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
