God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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