Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize