is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
