the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
