They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
