she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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