your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Four minutes until I can fart!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
