Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
