note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
