We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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