I bet he comes in French.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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