I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
