I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
