Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I don't think brook has ever known best
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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