they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
