I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
