I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
