I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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