I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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