did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
