3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
