I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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