It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
