Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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