Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
