meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
id be glad to
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
