Already got asked if we're dating
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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