gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
