it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
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I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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