Your tits are I can't wait for
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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