It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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