I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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