Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
