Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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