Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
