I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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