A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
