Already got asked if we're dating
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I want a musical about memes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
