Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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