eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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