ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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