It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
