It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
