I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
