Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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