i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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