I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
