my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
