dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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