Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
