I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
