It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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