He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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