she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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