turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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