I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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